Dear Charlie Bird,
I know I have said this a million times by now, but time passes by at a different pace in the NICU. I feel like my last letter to you was written just a few days ago, and yet, it's been a full two weeks. Our last letter ended with that scary episode after your eye exam, and here we are, with another eye exam coming up tomorrow. You have accomplished so much in the past two weeks, which perhaps is the reason I haven't had some time to sit down and write to you. Here's how your past two weeks have gone...
Day 56: 6/15/21 - Today was a rest and recovery day for you after your episode. Anytime you have a "Brady" and a "De-Sat," it takes a toll on you, so you were able to just sleep and relax today. Luckily, you were off CPAP and back on your nasal cannula. It was also a day of rest and recovery for your mom and me. Our nerves were shot from the previous day, so we did our best to take this setback in stride and hope for a speedy recovery for you. Oftentimes, when people are stressed out, they go to a spa. Nurse Megan had the idea of giving you a little "spa" day in the evening, so we washed your hair and gave you a little scalp massage. It's pretty clear that you loved it.
Day 57: 6/16/21 - Fun fact: Four years ago on this day was when your mom and I got engaged. You gave us a great present because when we arrived to the hospital you were completely off of nasal cannula! You were on nasal cannula for a few hours in the morning before the doctors decided you were strong enough to be breathing on your own again, so by the time we arrived, you were back to your old self and breathing all on your own. It was such a relief seeing your face without all of the breathing equipment. From here, you leveled out for a few days which again eased our tension after your eye exam.
Day 58: 6/17/21 - Today, we gave you your first bath in an actual tub! Now... When I say "actual tub," I actually mean a large tupperware container. It's called a Dandletub, and it comes with this stretchy cover that serves as a hammock for you. Basically, it sinks down deep enough for your butt to be in the water, and then we use water/soap to pour over you and scrub you. Because you actually have some rolls now, you had quite a bit of what Poppy likes to call "Fromunda Cheese..." AKA cheese "fromunda" your rolls. (Poppy actually says "fromunda cheese" comes from under somewhere else but that's for another day!) You really enjoyed bath time, especially the head scratchies.
Day 59: 6/18/21 - Today was a super chill day for you, Charlie Bird. You did what we wanted you to do... Eat, grow, and be healthy. We dressed you in a little mushroom cap, which made you look like Toad from the Super Mario games.
Day 60: 6/19/21 - After doing well for a few days, you had some visitors come to see you. Poppy was able to see you again, and this was the first time he could look at you since you were off CPAP and since your "top" was popped on your isolate. He was able to hold you for a while, and again, he was absolutely hypnotized by you. He gave you some good arm rubs and you were in heaven (you love a good head scratch, arm rub, back scratch, just like me).
You also got to meet your "Funcle" (Fun Uncle) John! He couldn't believe how cute you were, although at one point he said, "I have no idea how to interact with something so small." He loved holding you and seeing your face.
Mom and I went to lunch with Poppy and Funcle John, where we gave Poppy the Father's Day gift that you (and by you, we mean Nurse Megan) made for him. He really is "one cool pop!"
Day 61: 6/20/21 - Today was a wild day for me, because for the first time in my life, I was celebrated on Father's Day. I received texts from family and friends, your Mom bought me an awesome "Fun Dad" mug, and we had a great dinner with Grandma K, Granddad, Auntie Lolo, Gramps (your great-grandpa), and Elba. (You made a Father's Day craft for Granddad, too!)
Being celebrated on Father's Day was a weird feeling for me. As of today, you were two months old! (Check put your butt print in the form of a peach!)
And yet, in these past two months, there were so many times where I did not feel like a father. We come home every night without you. We go to the hospital each day, we hold you, we talk to you, and yet, we have to say goodbye to you each night. Throughout the whole process of trying to have you, I have done very little in comparison with your mom, who carried you, delivered you, pumps for you, and so on. And frankly, in the beginning, I was pretty scared of you, mostly in the sense that I was afraid to hurt you since you were so fragile. So to be celebrated on a day like Father's Day was really weird, because I feel like I haven't done much yet to deserve the celebration. With that being said, I do seem to have the "magic touch" when it comes to getting you to poop... You always seem to blow out your diaper when I'm holding you. So if that needs to be my contribution as a Dad at this point, then so be it. On a more serious note, I do hope that these letters can someday be my gift to you. I love being your dad so much! I feel like the luckiest person alive to watch you grow every single day, even from the NICU.
Day 62: 6/21/21 - It was another special day for you, as Gigi came back to visit you. Like Poppy, she got to see you without your CPAP machine covering that beautiful face of yours.
This time, though, she brought your great-grandmother Birdie, your namesake. When I was just a little bit older than you, I nicknamed her "Birdie" because the decorations in her house had so many birds. I would walk around, pointing at them saying "Birdie, birdie, birdie..." And that's how the name stuck. As for your name, we always liked Charlotte, and we especially liked the nickname "Charlie." When it came to your middle name, though, we had a hard time for a while. We wanted it to be a family name, but we couldn't settle on one. We didn't stress too much about it and knew it would come to us eventually. One day, your mom and I were watching TV on different floors (as married people do) and she sent me a text.... "What about Charlotte Birdie. We can call her Charlie Bird". Boom, there you have it. "Birdie" was perfect. Your middle name comes from a person we both looked up to. Your great-grandmother is so amazing, as you'll come to learn. She raised four amazing kids, started her own business, and is now doing incredible things like designing hotels and raising millions of dollars for breast cancer research. Even at the age of 82, Birdie runs laps around all of her grandkids. Some of my favorite memories growing up revolved around going to Birdie's house, whether it be on my bike in our neighborhood, or for Christmas Eve with all of our cousins. We even went to NYC for Thanksgiving to watch the Macy's Day Parade, something we hope to do with you in the coming years. Birdie is all of the things your mom and I strive to be, and that we hope you strive to be as well, such as generous, loving, funny, and hard-working. Choosing Birdie as your middle name all of the sudden seemed like a no-brainer. These were all reasons why you having the opportunity to be held by Birdie was so special.
Now, hopefully you'll be able to meet your other great-grandparents very soon (Gramps/Elba, Grandpa Mike & Grandma Barb, Grandma Sandy, and Pop-Pop/Kathie).
That was the great part of the day. The rough part of the day was that you had to get your two-month old vaccinations in the AM. You received five different vaccines in the form of three shots. These included the 2nd dose of your Hepatitis B vaccine, and your first dose of the DTaP (Diphtheria, Tetanus, & Whooping Cough), Polio, Hib, and Pneumococcal vaccines. The nurses did their best to try and keep you calm during the shots, administering them all at the same time (two in one leg and one in the other). You cried for a few seconds before settling in. However, we remembered that your last vaccine led to you feeling a bit crummy, so your mom and I prepared for that.
Day 63: 6/22/21 - Lo and behold, you were NOT feeling well after your vaccines, and that was evident today. You had a few "events" which caused you to de-sat quite a few times more than normal. Because you weren't feeling well and you were still prone to periodic breathing, we decided it would be best to just let you rest for the day. However, this was a bummer because it meant that Uncle Teddy and Lovey wouldn't be able to hold you during their first meeting with you. Still, they loved seeing you. Uncle Teddy came in first and couldn't believe how small you were (not surprisingly, this seems to be everyone's reaction). My favorite part of your meeting with Uncle Teddy was that you had an explosive poop that he was able to witness. We were so proud.
Lovey came in with mom later and loved your ice cream outfit. She bought you a "sprinkles" outfit that you'll be able to fit in soon, but Lovey is already planning on giving you your first job when you're old enough to work at the ice cream shop she is bound to open someday. Lovey has also called "dibs" on taking you for your first ice cream. Mom and I cannot wait for Uncle Teddy and Lovey to come back and visit you soon so they can actually hold you when you're feeling better.
At night, Mom and I came back because we knew you weren't feeling well. Nurse Megan was working and we decided to give you another bath. It was clear that Nurse Brooke was correct that you wouldn't fit in the Dandletub for much longer, because your feet were hanging out (you didn't seem to mind). We knew this would be your last time in this size, so we took some great pictures (I say this as if we don't constantly take pictures of you anyway).
While the bath pictures are great, I actually love the "drying off" pictures even more. Is it because I think I actually see a resemblance to me in them? Perhaps. (For the record, I'm hoping you get your mom's looks over mine.)
But at the same time… You look a little like Baby Yoda, so who knows?
Day 64: 6/23/21 - You still had a few de-sats and alarms today, stemming from your alarms, but we also gave you your first neonatal massage. Physical Therapy came in and taught your mom and I how to give you massages. We worked on your back and your arms this time, because we thought your legs might still be sore from the vaccines. Liz, the physical therapist, taught your Mom how to massage your back, and she taught me how to massage your arms.
Judging on your reaction post-massage, I would say you were extremely relaxed.
Day 65: 6/24/21 - Today, your great-Auntie came to finally meet you! Your mom and Auntie have an awesome relationship, and I am slightly worried that you and your Auntie Lolo will have a similar relationship, because that means you two will be talking in fake Italian/Greek accents, drink a little too much wine, and have impromptu dance parties when others are trying to sleep! Great-Auntie was able to hold you for a bit, and to give her a real taste of life in the NICU, you even decided to stop breathing for a hot second. Soon, you'll meet your cousins Kaylyn, Izzy, Nolan, and Brooklyn (BB) and your Uncle Deano.
Grandma K came to visit today as well. Your only alarms came when you were trying to poop and when you were had a little gag episode (again, triggering your mom's PTSD from the eye exam).
You may not realize it, but PTSD from time in the NICU is a real thing that your Mom and I will endure for a long time to come. Since the difficult and volatile early days, the toughest part of the NICU journey for us has been dealing with our PTSD that's associated with your "Brady" alarms and your de-sats. We have seen you turn blue or gray one too many times to not be affected by anything that reminds us of those events. So lately, every time you have coughed, gagged, or done anything resembling those things, we freak out a bit. We are jumpy. We stare daggers into the monitor, praying we see your stats remaining stable. And I think this is a pretty understandable reaction to have, especially after we've seen you in states where you are having trouble breathing. But at the same time, babies cough and gag all the time. Babies throw up all the time. And right now, regular "baby" things are associated with scary events, so it's going to be a process for us to trust that the things you are doing naturally are also not causing your heart rate or oxygen levels to crater. This is yet another stress that we carry.
Day 66: 6/25/21 - Today, you were feeling much better after your vaccines. Nurse Brooke was there, and when we walked in, you were laying with your hands on your face looking adorable. PT came around to give you yet another massage, this time focusing on your back and legs. I took your back this time, and Mom took your legs.
The crazy thing about massages is that you truly relax during and after. Last time, you started cuing for food, and this time, you crapped your pants! Talk about relaxing and enjoyable! Because you were cuing for food, Nurse Brooke encouraged Mom to try to get you to "nuzzle" for the first time (essentially, trying to get you to latch for breast feeding). You actually did for a little bit, which was amazing to witness. Because this blog is rated PG, I will NOT be sharing those pictures. Days like these allow your mom and I to relax a bit. Since we haven't been able to travel as much as we have in previous summers, I decided to book your mom and me a night at the JW Marriott downtown Grand Rapids. We did a couples massage, went out to dinner, and then woke up and ordered room service breakfast (your mom's favorite thing in the world). The best part was that we could see the hospital from our hotel room, and our commute to see you in the morning was barely five minutes. It was nice, though, to enjoy a night out.
(It was not our anniversary, but our waitress liked us, and a free dessert is a free dessert.)
Day 67: 6/26/21 - Another day stronger for Charlie Bird, as you are now officially one month away from your original due date. You had no major alarms, and you tried to nuzzle again, this time unsuccessfully. However, we could tell you were getting close to being able to feed on demand, which is really the last major hurdle we need to clear before bringing you home. The nurses grade you each day to see if you're ready to feed. They check your respiratory rate to make sure it's below 60 breaths per minute, they look to see how awake you are for care time, and they look to see if you are cuing for food, either by fussing or pursing your lips. If you do all of those things, you get a "1." If you do a couple of those things, you get a "2."
Day 68: 6/27/21 - Because you have continued to have the occasional low blood sugar, we have been testing your blood sugar every morning. Today, you had a blood sugar of 47, which is low. A few days ago, we met with an endocrinologist to talk through possible tests we would have to run to better understand why your blood sugars weren't where they needed to be. This was strictly routine, as most of the doctors believe that your prematurity is to blame as your body figures out how to better store sugars. The tentative plan had been to run tests on your ketones if and when your blood sugar registered below 50, so this morning when that happened, we expected the tests to be ordered. Instead, the doctors tried increasing your feeds. After doing that, your blood sugar was up to 60 and we haven't looked back since. Even so, Dr. Doctor (hehe!) said that this is something that could be easily treated with meds, so that has eased our concerns.
What didn't ease our minds was when you threw up while I was holding you. The only other time you had thrown up was during that dreaded eye exam, so our minds immediately went into that aforementioned PTSD mode. This time, however, your stats didn't even budge. You were simply doing "baby things." We have to get used to that!
After the puke event, we decided it would probably be best to give you a bath. This time, you were placed into a bigger tub. Mom scrubbed that fromunda cheese and we dried you off and put you back to bed. You had no major events or scares today, which eased our minds even more.
Day 69: 6/28/21 - Another day without any major alarms! When your mom arrived to the hospital, Occupational Therapy came around to let us know that you had "scored" well for feed times during six of the past eight care times. This meant that you were ready to try feeding from a bottle. Nurse Holly was the charge nurse for the day, but she happened to be walking around when we wanted to try, and she talked us through it, even taking you and showing us how it's done (your Mom and I are both visual learners). Incredibly, on your first try, you ended up eating 18 mL of breastmilk via bottle feeding.
You even let out a big post-feed burp! (I cackle looking at your burp face.)
You were only supposed to have 15 mL but Holly said you were in the zone and she didn't want to stop you. It was such an awesome milestone to witness! Now, apparently, bottle feeding is really tough for babies, so as soon as you were done, you went into a deep, deep sleep, and you barely woke up for your next feed three hours later. But we were so thrilled that you fed off a bottle, because that just means you are one step closer to coming home. Not only that, but you did this on the first official day babies could try to bottle feed, as you turned 36 weeks old today (gestational). Next thing we know, you'll be slamming a plate of pepperoni pinwheels with your old man at New Holland Brewing! You had another day of no alarms, and this could possibly be attributed to the fact that the PDA in your heart was now officially closed! The doctors ordered a routine heart echocardiogram and it found that the hole between your heart and lungs was no more, and your heart murmur was gone as well. Overall, after such a tough few weeks with your eye exams, and your vaccines, having a day like today makes it all worth it.
Tomorrow marks TEN WEEKS in the NICU. We are so proud of everything you've been able to accomplish during these past two and a half months. And with the most recent bottle feeding, we are getting so close to being able to bring you home with us for the first time in our lives. Lately, your progress has truly felt like baby steps. Sometimes, babies take a step or two and fall down at first. Eventually, the steps become stronger, more stable, and before you know it, the steps are now strides. Soon enough you'll be striding out of here and we'll be bringing you home. Until then, keep taking it one step at a time. We love you so much!
Love,
Dad
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